Castle on a Hill

                                                             I was younger then
                                                           Take me back to when
                                                   I found my heart and broke it here
                                          Made friends and lost them through the years
                                          And I've not seen the roaring fields in so long
                                                              I know I've grown
                                                       But I can't wait to go home
                                                                  I'm on my way
                                                 Driving at 90 down those country lanes
                                                          Singing to "Tiny Dancer"
                                                            And I miss the way
                                                              You make me feel
                                                                  And it's real
                                     When we watched the sunset over the castle on the hill  

Is it possible to love too hard or too deep? There are so many memories that flow through my brain as I look back on the semester that has just come to a close. It was beautiful, but now it is over and those people I felt so close to are not even a part of my life. I am thankful for the moments of comradery, adventure and trying. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to not make connections with people. Sometimes it all feels fake. Sometimes those moments all feel like a dream.

We all went to a castle, well at least the closest thing to a castle one can find in the middle of Kansas. We were heading back from a glorious time that was filled with laughter, refreshment and hope. We took millions of pictures to remember the good times and all climbed up as high as we could to see a view that stretched miles across the Kansas plains. We danced and sang, little did we know how true the words would become.

As the semester comes to a close I feel like i miss them all more than they miss me. My human heart wants them to value me and have the same hole in their lives as I do in mine. I long for things to go back and to relive old times. This is a common feeling for me as I leave various places, never feeling loved enough. I began pondering this dilemma and began wondering if I actually deserved to feel this way. Was it truly wrong to "love" other people more? I realized as Christians we are called to love those around us. With this my pride kicked in and consoled my heart, maybe I was just acting as Jesus called his followers.

But the Holy Spirit never fails to bring conviction to my conceited thought processes. With that he began to point out the flaws in my so called love towards my friends. My love was based on how they made me feel and the enjoyment I found through them. My love was not truly love but merely an attachment for my own pleasure. When my life was examined there were not even any actions connected with my attachment. I never sacrificed anything for them.

With God it is impossible to love too hard or too much but that was not the definition of what I was doing, I was acting out of selfish gain. I do not want to be afraid to love. I want my love to be real. My prayer is that God puts genuine love in my heart.

"Greater love has no one than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends"
John 15:13

"Let no debt remain outstanding except the continuing debt to love one another."
Romans 13:8

"Truth is everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for"
Bob Marley